God works in mysterious ways

So it's the year 2020 the year that "Rona" came. At the beginning of 2020 I chose a word for the year like I do every year. This year God gave me the word "joy"; and because I'm me I instantly thought "oh great what trial is God going to allow me to endure where I have to have joy..." But I know that isn't what God's character is like. So I then thought well maybe He wants me to use the joy I have to bring joy to others like my family. Then Rona hit and it seemed like maybe having joy despite the hardships of being quarantined to my house with the boys and Ben for months was how I needed to have joy. But then something very unexpected happened. Just yesterday in fact. I found out I was pregnant....

Now at first I was like...WTH!? Totally not expecting that. But ok God what are you doing now?? So I immediately called Ben who was out of town at the time. He didn't even have a clue I had gotten a test. My period is usually early or right on time. So when it's a day late even I start wondering. And sure enough...the stick said "pregnant"...So anyways, when I called Ben he just started laughing...I was totally caught off guard. I thought he would be mad. We have been making plans for how we will do more together now that the boys are getting older and looking forward to our life as empty nesters...But then he laughed, and he said that he had been having dreams again about baby peanut and he wondered what it would have been like. Baby peanut would be 2 years old by now. But he said he didn't wonder enough to try to get pregnant...again, "try?" What is that...we've never tried for once in our lives...I know that that idea is probably really difficult for those who try for years to have a baby and are unable. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that causes. But that simply has not been our story.

But I feel a lot of peace this time. Last time I was so anxious and apprehensive and not at all prepared. This time I feel a lot of peace and joy. My attitude is going to be that I will love this baby each day that God allows, whether that be for days, weeks, months, or years. I'm also going to work on not getting too ahead of myself and doing a lot of "planning" because I think that's where a lot of my disappointment came last time. I'm not going to think ahead to what month or time of year I'll be 20 weeks, or any of that. I'm going to take it one day at a time. But I am thankful for this life and excited at the possibility of another baby. I trust God with His plan whatever it may be. And maybe it was for this to be the year of joy :)

It's good to remember all that makes us who we are

I decided to go ahead and publish the blog posts I had created with the baby I lost because I want to be able to go back and remember that time. It was an important time in my life and I grew and learned a lot about God and myself. I was changed through it and it also may bring comfort to others.

Almost 8 weeks

Well I'm almost 8 weeks now and I definitely am bigger already this time around... I guess that's what  6 years does to you. LOL.

I looked back at this time with Eli and I pretty much feel the same. I'm tired and take a short nap in the afternoon. I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time from after breakfast to
after dinner. Sleep is pretty good.

I definitely feel more nervous about having a miscarriage or maybe I didn't share those feelings as much with Eli if I did have them. I think because the boys are emotionally invested I worry about how they would take it it. But above all I know God is in control and I trust His plan. Also that our greatest time of growth is through trials. You just always want to protect your kids from pain as much as you can because you love them so much.

The boys were thrilled when we told them. I'll post the video it's precious. They pray for Little Peanut every day to keep growing bigger and they ask me what size fruit he or she is lol.

Ben is looking forward to having a baby cause he loves babies and of course al our family is thrilled. I forgot to mention at 6 weeks we got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound already. It was pretty amazing. I had a lot of anxiety the morning of the appt and was really having a hard time not wanting to go through all that anxiety and depression and stuff I went through after Eli and those feelings were just intense reminding me of it. But after the appt all the fear went away. I still have my doubts at time and don't want to think to far ahead and get my hopes up but I want to try and enjoy this time too. Not much to enjoy in the first trimester but I'm doing my best. And the joy I see on my kids faces when they talk about having a baby makes it worth it :)

Hmmm....I think I'll start blogging again

I wonder if people stopped blogging because the pace of life has increased so much in the last 8 years?  When I started this blog almost 9 years ago there were tons of people blogging.  That was before facebook and instagram go so popular.  Now you can share your story through pictures in just seconds on instagram, or go live on FB and show it in real-time.  Pretty amazing how things have changed. I decided to come back to the slow-paced world of blogging because in the past 9 years since I started it and in the past 4 since I stopped I've enjoyed coming back to see posts about being pregnant with both my boys and seeing them go from infants, to babies, to toddler, and little boys.

It seemed only fitting that I should start blogging again when I found out I was pregnant with surprise baby #3 this week...at 32 years old...6 years after having baby #2.  I was joking with my husband the other day that I already have my answer for the "Was this baby planned?" question.  The answer to that question about all my kids was, "Planned by God, not by us."  Now I know that isn't always the case for everyone.  Many people try for years to get pregnant and can't.  Many people spend $$$ on IUI and IVF and adoption to have just one baby.  I love all my kids and always wanted to be a mom.  I am a planner by nature and like to be in control so I just think it's funny how God has made all my babies a surprise....We were not planning for baby #3 but we are so excited and blessed that God decided to give us another baby.

Things will definitely be different this time around. I'm older, but so are my kids...I don't have two under two anymore. I have a 6 and 8 year old that can help out alot more around the house.  They empty the dishwasher every morning, they do their own laundry (score!!), they could easily make themselves breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if they needed to....Which they shouldn't, but you know, it's an option... They are also in school all day long which will help me out alot with being pregnant and adjusting to a newborn.

Ben is surprisingly excited about it and is looking forward to enjoying the baby more since when the boys were born he was in grad school and working full-time...he doesn't remember much.  I always feel like I got jipped with Eli as a baby cause I was so sick because of my thyroid issues.

Being older I also have such a different perspective on life and raising kids.  I think I will be alot more laid back because I've been through it already twice and I've been through alot of other things that have challenged my faith in God and my trust in His plan and care for me.  So I know however things turn out with this God's in control, He wants what's best for me and I can trust Him with this next season in my life.

One Year Later

It's been a little over a year since we said goodbye to Baby Peanut.  I feel like there has been ups and downs in my grieving this year. I know that's to be expected. There were times especially in the beginning that I just wanted to be pregnant again asap. But we had alot of changes happening in our life and Ben didn't want to add another one. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to start over with a baby again. I understand that feeling. I really do. I value his wisdom and leadership in our family and I'm thankful for how he looks out for me. I had times of not wanting another one, and times where I really did. Ben doesn't want to get a vasectomy, because he wants to keep our options open. But he doesn't know if he wants to actually try to get pregnant. So in the spring we left it at just preventing and living our lives till we feel differently. I'm thankful God helped us to be on the same page. I still wonder why God allowed me to be pregnant with Peanut only to have him or her die. It opened my heart up to wanting more kids. I have this desire now for another one that I get frustrated with sometimes because I feel if I never would have been pregnant last year it wouldn't be a question.

We've been busy with the boys and enjoying our life with them. But since the anniversary of my miscarriage I've realized my thoughts have gone from "I wish we would have had baby peanut," to "Someone is missing and I do want to have another baby."  It's crazy I know. My kids are 7 and 9. and yes it would be a huge adjustment. But I don't want to be done with having kids just yet. I want the cherry on top, my rainbow baby. I see how easily adding in another person to our family would be. Yes the first few months would be an adjustment but I feel after that they just do what we do.  I want to see how Kyle and Eli can learn to care for someone other than themselves and how adding a baby would be a blessing to our family. Not always easy I know that for sure. But I think the feelings have been intensified by my period being weird this month.  I've had two days of breast tenderness, mild cramps, and bloating and no period...no spotting, nothing. This is very weird for me. I am like clockwork for the past 20 years!  My period isn't late yet according to my kindara app but to have period symptoms and no period is weird. I usually have cramps and then bam...So I took a test...two actually a couple days apart and NEGATIVE...I have to say I was sad. I really started to have hope maybe I was pregnant, and instead of being shocked and freaked out like last time, I was excited and my mind went a million miles a minute of everything that would mean. It was so hard to shut it down last night to sleep...
I told Ben a couple days ago that I want to have a baby. He was surprised I think. He knows I have been so indecisive about it. But now that I have made a decision about how I feel I feel peaceful about it.  But I told him I won't be mad if that's not what he wants. I told him I am praying that God's desires would be my desires and that Ben and I would be on the same page. I told him to pray about it and God would show us what we are supposed to do....or it will just happen...(I didn't tell him that part).
I think the reason it's hard for him to want to try and have a baby is because it would most likely happen (track records show I get pregnant easily, like without trying) and then in the throws of baby and pregnancy we would only have ourselves to blame for our misery...LOL Sounds ridiculous I know. But that's how we are. I have come to really SEE that life begins because God ordains it to be!  I believe 100% that is God wants us to have another baby it will happen no matter how much we prevent...I mean I still don't know how I got pregnant with Peanut...well I do...but I don't. LOL
So that's where things are at with that.  I'm waiting, and trusting, and praying, and secretly hoping how cool would it be if I was pregnant a year after our baby went to heaven.  I'm so good at telling God how cool I think my plan would be LOL. Ultimately I trust God and if having another baby wouldn't be good for our family or my healthy then I trust Him in that.
I was going over my favorite verse in my head last night when I was trying to shut my brain down and go to sleep.."Trust in the Lord with all your heart.." The "all your heart" part really stuck out to me. It's easy to trust someone a little bit, or only with certain things and not others. But to trust them with ALL your heart with EVERYTHING...that's hard. But in all I've been through in my life I know the importance in trusting God and not just my own feelings or thoughts.

One Week

It's been one week since I found out my baby died. It amazing in just one week and my body is basically done with it. What took weeks of sickness and fatigue is now done in just one week. It just makes me so sad. Why did my baby's heart stop beating when others didn't. I feel muscle twitches and have to remind myself it's not tiny baby kicks. I hear a name I like and then remember I don't need to think of names. I felt apprehensive from the beginning and I don't know if it's because I knew it wasn't going to work out this time or just because I know more than I did with a Kyle and Eli. I see more of how much a miracle it is that they survived and are still alive today when so much could go wrong. Growing and delivering a healthy baby is such a miracle.

It's hard because we also have no control over it. Now I find myself trying to think of any little thing I could have done wrong that may have caused this. But I know sometimes it just happens. I just want To make sure I didn't affect it. I'm still grasping for control. When we are in situations we have no control over we want to find anything we do have control over and control it. Not "we", "I". I want to control my kids behavior, I want to control what my husband does, I want to keep the dogs under control. Again that same lesson of surrender, trust, and giving up my perceived control.

God I know you allowed this to happen. I know it was under your complete control. But why? Why did you allow this surprise pregnancy when I was content with two? I was shocked at first, then scared, then mad, then so happy and looking forward to having a baby only to have it not happen. Disappointment... I don't like it. I don't like being told no especially after being told yes.

So what now? Because now I feel like someone is missing. I didn't before but now I do. Do we try again? I just don't know...

Test

My boys are getting so big now and are cheering me on at my 10k!

Blessed

I am blessed.  I have a wonderful husband, and two precious boys.  God thank you for saving me and claiming me as yours.  Your daughter, your child.  You have never let me go, and have kept me in the palm of your hand.  Though the storms come and we walk through the desert, we are never alone and you do lead us to the promised land, to a place of blessing, and rest and peace.

38 month 18 month update

I wanted to make sure I got an update in cause Eli has been doing so many things!  He is saying so many words now.  It's easy to know what he wants most of the time, and then to tell him what to do.  His new this is when he wakes up to say, "Momma where are you?"  He doesn't say it 100% clear, but you know what he's saying.  It's so cute.  We have been enjoying our time together on the mornings Kyle goes to school.  He is different when Kyle's not around.  No one to compete with for attention I guess.  They are also playing together so much more.  They spent all afternoon the other day just playing with the buckets and sand and water on the back porch.  There were only a couple squabbles I had to deal with, LOL.

Kyle is fun to have conversations with too.  I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom and he said, "no, but thank you for asking."  He says he doesn't want to go to preschool but he always has fun and I can see how his language and development has grown just in the few weeks he's been going.  It was definitely a good thing to do.  I am loving having two other people to help us teach him respect, self-control, and obedience.  

Preschool

Kyle I can't believe what a big boy you are getting to be. This week you started preschool.  I was more emotional about it than I expected.  You did MDO last year, but this is different.  You are going two mornings a week and you are so excited every day I tell you it's preschool day.  You have a new backpack and lunch box, and we had a special list of school supplies we had to buy.  We are so blessed to be able to send you to such a great preschool.  You were on the waiting list and got in just before it started!

16 Months

Eli is almost 1 1/2.  How crazy is that?  He has such a cute, loving personality.  I just kiss his sweet little cheeks all the time.  As if you can't tell from the pictures, this kid loves to eat!  He is 24lbs; Kyle weighed that at 2 year old. LOL  Him and Kyle share most clothes, it's funny.  He is saying more words too.  His new one is "ack" which I think means "out", but Kyle says he is saying "truck".  It's funny when Kyle tries to interpret what he's saying and repeats his jabbering.  Eli loves to go in Kyle's room and wake him up and give him kisses.  It's adorable.

How cute are these shoes??

My snuggle buggle

Brothers....I love it!

Kyle's 3rd Birthday

We had such a fun time celebrating Kyle's 3rd birthday last weekend.  We took him to our local amusement park Friday; the same one that I used to go to when I was little.  He had a blast and loved the train ride especially.  Then Saturday we had a dump truck themed birthday party.  It was a pool party and he loved it.  

Kyle is 32 lb and 38.25" tall.  He is so smart.  He can sing the ABC song, count to 20, and knows all his shapes, colors, and is learning his color combinations (i.e. blue and red make purple).  He loves trains, painting, and riding his bike.  The hilight of his birthday was the drum set we bought him.  He LOVES drums and was so excited. He talks all the time and from what I'm told he's advanced in language for his age.  He is hopefully starting preschool this fall and doing tennis lessons.  He's very active and still hates naps...LOL