God works in mysterious ways

So it's the year 2020 the year that "Rona" came. At the beginning of 2020 I chose a word for the year like I do every year. This year God gave me the word "joy"; and because I'm me I instantly thought "oh great what trial is God going to allow me to endure where I have to have joy..." But I know that isn't what God's character is like. So I then thought well maybe He wants me to use the joy I have to bring joy to others like my family. Then Rona hit and it seemed like maybe having joy despite the hardships of being quarantined to my house with the boys and Ben for months was how I needed to have joy. But then something very unexpected happened. Just yesterday in fact. I found out I was pregnant....

Now at first I was like...WTH!? Totally not expecting that. But ok God what are you doing now?? So I immediately called Ben who was out of town at the time. He didn't even have a clue I had gotten a test. My period is usually early or right on time. So when it's a day late even I start wondering. And sure enough...the stick said "pregnant"...So anyways, when I called Ben he just started laughing...I was totally caught off guard. I thought he would be mad. We have been making plans for how we will do more together now that the boys are getting older and looking forward to our life as empty nesters...But then he laughed, and he said that he had been having dreams again about baby peanut and he wondered what it would have been like. Baby peanut would be 2 years old by now. But he said he didn't wonder enough to try to get pregnant...again, "try?" What is that...we've never tried for once in our lives...I know that that idea is probably really difficult for those who try for years to have a baby and are unable. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that causes. But that simply has not been our story.

But I feel a lot of peace this time. Last time I was so anxious and apprehensive and not at all prepared. This time I feel a lot of peace and joy. My attitude is going to be that I will love this baby each day that God allows, whether that be for days, weeks, months, or years. I'm also going to work on not getting too ahead of myself and doing a lot of "planning" because I think that's where a lot of my disappointment came last time. I'm not going to think ahead to what month or time of year I'll be 20 weeks, or any of that. I'm going to take it one day at a time. But I am thankful for this life and excited at the possibility of another baby. I trust God with His plan whatever it may be. And maybe it was for this to be the year of joy :)

It's good to remember all that makes us who we are

I decided to go ahead and publish the blog posts I had created with the baby I lost because I want to be able to go back and remember that time. It was an important time in my life and I grew and learned a lot about God and myself. I was changed through it and it also may bring comfort to others.

Almost 8 weeks

Well I'm almost 8 weeks now and I definitely am bigger already this time around... I guess that's what  6 years does to you. LOL.

I looked back at this time with Eli and I pretty much feel the same. I'm tired and take a short nap in the afternoon. I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time from after breakfast to
after dinner. Sleep is pretty good.

I definitely feel more nervous about having a miscarriage or maybe I didn't share those feelings as much with Eli if I did have them. I think because the boys are emotionally invested I worry about how they would take it it. But above all I know God is in control and I trust His plan. Also that our greatest time of growth is through trials. You just always want to protect your kids from pain as much as you can because you love them so much.

The boys were thrilled when we told them. I'll post the video it's precious. They pray for Little Peanut every day to keep growing bigger and they ask me what size fruit he or she is lol.

Ben is looking forward to having a baby cause he loves babies and of course al our family is thrilled. I forgot to mention at 6 weeks we got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound already. It was pretty amazing. I had a lot of anxiety the morning of the appt and was really having a hard time not wanting to go through all that anxiety and depression and stuff I went through after Eli and those feelings were just intense reminding me of it. But after the appt all the fear went away. I still have my doubts at time and don't want to think to far ahead and get my hopes up but I want to try and enjoy this time too. Not much to enjoy in the first trimester but I'm doing my best. And the joy I see on my kids faces when they talk about having a baby makes it worth it :)

Hmmm....I think I'll start blogging again

I wonder if people stopped blogging because the pace of life has increased so much in the last 8 years?  When I started this blog almost 9 years ago there were tons of people blogging.  That was before facebook and instagram go so popular.  Now you can share your story through pictures in just seconds on instagram, or go live on FB and show it in real-time.  Pretty amazing how things have changed. I decided to come back to the slow-paced world of blogging because in the past 9 years since I started it and in the past 4 since I stopped I've enjoyed coming back to see posts about being pregnant with both my boys and seeing them go from infants, to babies, to toddler, and little boys.

It seemed only fitting that I should start blogging again when I found out I was pregnant with surprise baby #3 this week...at 32 years old...6 years after having baby #2.  I was joking with my husband the other day that I already have my answer for the "Was this baby planned?" question.  The answer to that question about all my kids was, "Planned by God, not by us."  Now I know that isn't always the case for everyone.  Many people try for years to get pregnant and can't.  Many people spend $$$ on IUI and IVF and adoption to have just one baby.  I love all my kids and always wanted to be a mom.  I am a planner by nature and like to be in control so I just think it's funny how God has made all my babies a surprise....We were not planning for baby #3 but we are so excited and blessed that God decided to give us another baby.

Things will definitely be different this time around. I'm older, but so are my kids...I don't have two under two anymore. I have a 6 and 8 year old that can help out alot more around the house.  They empty the dishwasher every morning, they do their own laundry (score!!), they could easily make themselves breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if they needed to....Which they shouldn't, but you know, it's an option... They are also in school all day long which will help me out alot with being pregnant and adjusting to a newborn.

Ben is surprisingly excited about it and is looking forward to enjoying the baby more since when the boys were born he was in grad school and working full-time...he doesn't remember much.  I always feel like I got jipped with Eli as a baby cause I was so sick because of my thyroid issues.

Being older I also have such a different perspective on life and raising kids.  I think I will be alot more laid back because I've been through it already twice and I've been through alot of other things that have challenged my faith in God and my trust in His plan and care for me.  So I know however things turn out with this God's in control, He wants what's best for me and I can trust Him with this next season in my life.