One Week

It's been one week since I found out my baby died. It amazing in just one week and my body is basically done with it. What took weeks of sickness and fatigue is now done in just one week. It just makes me so sad. Why did my baby's heart stop beating when others didn't. I feel muscle twitches and have to remind myself it's not tiny baby kicks. I hear a name I like and then remember I don't need to think of names. I felt apprehensive from the beginning and I don't know if it's because I knew it wasn't going to work out this time or just because I know more than I did with a Kyle and Eli. I see more of how much a miracle it is that they survived and are still alive today when so much could go wrong. Growing and delivering a healthy baby is such a miracle.

It's hard because we also have no control over it. Now I find myself trying to think of any little thing I could have done wrong that may have caused this. But I know sometimes it just happens. I just want To make sure I didn't affect it. I'm still grasping for control. When we are in situations we have no control over we want to find anything we do have control over and control it. Not "we", "I". I want to control my kids behavior, I want to control what my husband does, I want to keep the dogs under control. Again that same lesson of surrender, trust, and giving up my perceived control.

God I know you allowed this to happen. I know it was under your complete control. But why? Why did you allow this surprise pregnancy when I was content with two? I was shocked at first, then scared, then mad, then so happy and looking forward to having a baby only to have it not happen. Disappointment... I don't like it. I don't like being told no especially after being told yes.

So what now? Because now I feel like someone is missing. I didn't before but now I do. Do we try again? I just don't know...