One Year Later

It's been a little over a year since we said goodbye to Baby Peanut.  I feel like there has been ups and downs in my grieving this year. I know that's to be expected. There were times especially in the beginning that I just wanted to be pregnant again asap. But we had alot of changes happening in our life and Ben didn't want to add another one. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to start over with a baby again. I understand that feeling. I really do. I value his wisdom and leadership in our family and I'm thankful for how he looks out for me. I had times of not wanting another one, and times where I really did. Ben doesn't want to get a vasectomy, because he wants to keep our options open. But he doesn't know if he wants to actually try to get pregnant. So in the spring we left it at just preventing and living our lives till we feel differently. I'm thankful God helped us to be on the same page. I still wonder why God allowed me to be pregnant with Peanut only to have him or her die. It opened my heart up to wanting more kids. I have this desire now for another one that I get frustrated with sometimes because I feel if I never would have been pregnant last year it wouldn't be a question.

We've been busy with the boys and enjoying our life with them. But since the anniversary of my miscarriage I've realized my thoughts have gone from "I wish we would have had baby peanut," to "Someone is missing and I do want to have another baby."  It's crazy I know. My kids are 7 and 9. and yes it would be a huge adjustment. But I don't want to be done with having kids just yet. I want the cherry on top, my rainbow baby. I see how easily adding in another person to our family would be. Yes the first few months would be an adjustment but I feel after that they just do what we do.  I want to see how Kyle and Eli can learn to care for someone other than themselves and how adding a baby would be a blessing to our family. Not always easy I know that for sure. But I think the feelings have been intensified by my period being weird this month.  I've had two days of breast tenderness, mild cramps, and bloating and no period...no spotting, nothing. This is very weird for me. I am like clockwork for the past 20 years!  My period isn't late yet according to my kindara app but to have period symptoms and no period is weird. I usually have cramps and then bam...So I took a test...two actually a couple days apart and NEGATIVE...I have to say I was sad. I really started to have hope maybe I was pregnant, and instead of being shocked and freaked out like last time, I was excited and my mind went a million miles a minute of everything that would mean. It was so hard to shut it down last night to sleep...
I told Ben a couple days ago that I want to have a baby. He was surprised I think. He knows I have been so indecisive about it. But now that I have made a decision about how I feel I feel peaceful about it.  But I told him I won't be mad if that's not what he wants. I told him I am praying that God's desires would be my desires and that Ben and I would be on the same page. I told him to pray about it and God would show us what we are supposed to do....or it will just happen...(I didn't tell him that part).
I think the reason it's hard for him to want to try and have a baby is because it would most likely happen (track records show I get pregnant easily, like without trying) and then in the throws of baby and pregnancy we would only have ourselves to blame for our misery...LOL Sounds ridiculous I know. But that's how we are. I have come to really SEE that life begins because God ordains it to be!  I believe 100% that is God wants us to have another baby it will happen no matter how much we prevent...I mean I still don't know how I got pregnant with Peanut...well I do...but I don't. LOL
So that's where things are at with that.  I'm waiting, and trusting, and praying, and secretly hoping how cool would it be if I was pregnant a year after our baby went to heaven.  I'm so good at telling God how cool I think my plan would be LOL. Ultimately I trust God and if having another baby wouldn't be good for our family or my healthy then I trust Him in that.
I was going over my favorite verse in my head last night when I was trying to shut my brain down and go to sleep.."Trust in the Lord with all your heart.." The "all your heart" part really stuck out to me. It's easy to trust someone a little bit, or only with certain things and not others. But to trust them with ALL your heart with EVERYTHING...that's hard. But in all I've been through in my life I know the importance in trusting God and not just my own feelings or thoughts.